May tells it as though it actually happened.

... of her yellow shoes. As well as the song. She's so cute :D

A friend came round for tea (literally, tea, as in drink tea) - I dunno, as always she talks a heck of a lot about how she went to a party full of 'cool people in the year', how she goes pretty quiet when she's around a group of "cool people" and how some guy in her hospital "bothered to talk to her" even though he was cool. I dunno, she probably has some self-confidence issues, but because most of the stuff she said were about things like this, I couldn't help thinking that maybe she was talking to me not just because I was easy to talk to, but because I wasn't cool? Not that it matters much really, she's still a good friend.
This only just hit me now - I wondered why I wasn't enjoying listening to her as much when she talked about stuff like that.

2 long weeks of feeling pretty hopeless, I'm back. There are still random spontaneous moments when I just burst out crying, but apart from that I'm feeling a lot more emotionally stable. However, I do find out my exam results this time next week - hopefully I wouldn't get into too much of a state from that if the results are bad. But fingers crossed.... :S

I feel like I have a better outlook in life in a way - I know who my friends are and how amazing they are. I feel like maybe I've been neglecting them in a way, preferring to spend time with the boyfriend but thinking about it now, that was just silly.

I've just been doing the public health group work and the SSA, which kept me going. I also went to my semester 2 hospital placement today to get started on the diabetes audit that my consultant's friend was keen on doing. I didn't realise there was so much to do for that though. Friends have been coming round for dindins (dinner), sleepovers, Starbucksing, going to see concerts so I've been keeping myself busy. And my mum has been so supportive, I love my mum. She's strange - sometimes she would say something quite deep (I note them down on my moleskin) but sometimes she says stuff life, "Which lemon tree should I get from Rakuten?" or she would show me pictures of onions from her garden / how she killed a bee that was laying eggs into the stem of her rosebush.

I've started brainstorming ideas for the summer. I think I might go to some live jazz sessions, dunno, maybe to just watch, but depending on how I feel I might try and join in on the violin. This is just an idea. I think I might go cycling around the coastline too - I've never done this before so this should be interesting.

Journal club today for the SSA was slightly disastrous. I did mine on this research:
Yang, WH et al. RAC1 activation mediates Twist1-induced cancer cell migration. Nat Cell Biol. 2012 March 11; 14 (4): 366-74
But no one else really seemed to understand it. Oh well. And also, (okay, this is just SSA for goodness sake, it doesn't even have to be to do with medicine) inevitably someone in the group would ask, 'so how could this research contribute to medicine in terms of the care of patients' and I would be like, erm, shut up.

This article was inspirational:
http://niiza.rikkyo.ac.jp/news/2011/03/8549/

Darn, I've gone back to being nocturnal. I should sleep soon.

I just finished my exams and now we have a week off for Easter - I can't really go home so I'm just sitting in an otherwise empty house, alone. For the past few days I saw and caught up with a few of my friends but now everyone's gone home! I really don't know what to do to occupy myself, I'm not used to having so much time to myself!

Exams went horribly. I feel like this year has gone horribly wrong. I'm actually mentally preparing myself for resits, but I feel like I should be physically doing something too. I always tend to do worse in MCQs compared to SAQs, and this is what really scares me.

> GP exam - I think it went okay. Not amazing, but I think I've done enough to pass?
> OSCE - aced a cardio station (I like to think), but I didn't know what was wrong with the patient I got for abdo. Case discussion went slightly wrong. History taking was HORRIBLE. I just wish I hadn't revised the bit on hepatitis the night before - I totally forgot to ask about alcohol in someone with massive peripheral oedema.
> Medicine and Surgery MCQs - went wrong. I don't think I did enough to pass. There were so many questions on the types of shock which I didn't even know about. Also, about when complications of operations happen. I just don't know anymore. If I do have a resit, this must be the one I need to do. The thing is, I didn't know how to revise it because it was too broad - my fourth year housemates said they didn't revise and they were based on things you naturally pick up from being at hospital. The only reassuring thing is that everyone found it really hard. But I dunno. I'm actually terrified of finding out the results this year.
> Pathology etc MCQs - Slightly better than medicine and surgery, but I kind of blanked out for Immunology and the picture questions.

I do feel like crying sometimes. This morning I woke up thinking about the questions I got wrong in the exam. I just feel really gloomy at the moment, and it's not just because of the weather / lack of social interaction. Failing, being alone, just everything.

It seems that I only get up to work nowadays.

Seriously, what happened to life? I used to blog so much more often, make random sock creatures, knit and be somewhat creative, play the violin. Okay, I still do play the violin in the orchestra, but not very much outside orchestra.

And then when I get something to look forward to for once e.g. boyfriend coming over, Birthday parties, random not-sure-why parties, I always feel too stressed out to enjoy myself because I can't work during that time.

I just wish medicine was less intense with less stuff happening at the same time.

Cefuroxime and metronidazole. Empirical treatment for abdominal infections. But see, all the antibiotics sound the same to me still.

My brother is having an operation to repair a meniscal tear. Thank God I'm not doing orthopaedics yet, they test you on anatomy from day one apparently. :S

But despite all of this, I feel like the last 10 months have been the happiest few months of my life so far. I think I might be in love.

Hello! I don't have much of a life nowadays. Wake up at 6.50am to get to hospital for 8.15am, then go straight to the medical school library to revise pathology, haematology etc etc, then go home to eat, phone-call from boyfriend. Finish off the day with more revision until late into the night, shower then sleep. Repeat.

Although I do have a few news

1) I passed the January long-case OSCE (history and examination station)

Basically, I got a case of suspected diabetic ketoacidosis. When the presenting complaint was simply, fatigue, my heart basically sank. I seriously had no idea whatsoever at first, but I kind of gradually got there in the end. There wasn't much to examine though.

2) I found a house for 4th year - slightly far from university, but the new housemates seem to be nice. I'll be sharing with 4 other medics.

3) My new firm for this semester is so nice and just full of personality. V is a bit of a gym freak, and is also quite religious, meaning she keeps sabbath for the weekend (she doesn't work between sunset on Friday and sunrise on Sunday morning (I think)). D is a keen saxophonist and cook (sort of guy who makes pasta from scratch - the other day he baked some fresh bread for all of us and we ate it for lunch). A is an amazing artist, his sketches are AMAZING, I don't know what he's doing studying medicine to be honest. And also N is a graduate entry medic, father of 2 kids! i'm actually quite fond of my firm :)

Hmm I guess that's really about it.

Oh, as of tomorrow, apparently we're exactly half way through medical school.

Did I mention that I don't have much of a life?

Ooo, there's a cute Japanese doctor on BBC's Junior Doctors at the moment. I love my boyfriend to bits, but this doctor is just nice to look at. I think it's quite interesting how the way he speaks sounds like the way my brother speaks English.

On another note, congratulations to my baby brother who got into a pretty good high school in Japan. I have to admit, I was pretty shocked to hear the news; I have never seen this guy study towards the exam.

I don't really know when I could next update this blog. Howevs, I will be back at some point.